#i woke up as tired as i went to sleep today
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Last festival day for a while... I did it... I'm taking a couple weeks off-ish after tomorrow ...
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time and time again the only things that take me out of deep depressive states are having fun and spending time with people and yet everytime i get so shocked like wow! love and fun and laughter sure made me feel like life is worth it again. who would've thought
#phew. im so tired but im very relieved#today was a good day. it feels so rare to ever be able to say this but it was#i went to sleep properly and woke up early and took a shower and had breakfast#my brother got to skip school and so he stayed home and we hung out together#i figured out how to make my headphone's mic work so we played lethal company together#then we watched the entirety of the snapcube sonic rider fandub together (because i never saw it)#then my mom had to go out in the city and celebrated her new paycheck by getting us ice cream#then at night my friends and i did our weekly dunmeshi watch party and izutsumi finally showed up#and now im here. and i feel very nice. im glad to be here today#🧃.txt
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I very much enjoy booping, but tumblr is running like ass today and I'm already low on spoons so I'm not returning boops as well as I'd like :(
#I'm not sure if it's because I didn't sleep well last night or something else#last night was my first night in like 3 months I've been off of my sleep meds#my doctor's trying something that's safer for long-term use but my insurance is taking#its sweet time approving the new stuff and I can't get a refill on my old stuff unless the new stuff doesn't work XD;;;;#I'm impressed I actually made it out of bed before noon today tbh#I'm not sure if I just got really lucky of if I actually fixed my sleep schedule this time#I tried once before 2yrs ago and it kind of worked but then I got covid and everything went to hell so I didn't try again#then a few months ago I got sucked into relying on my meds because I have addictive tendencies and it's REALLY nice being able to sleep#regularly after a lifetime of bad sleep#I really hope last night wasn't a fluke because I'd love to not be reliant on meds to sleep#like I slept terribly compared to on the meds but normally the rebound insomnia from coming off is like 10x's worse than last night#like I normally just don't sleep for a day after going off the meds#but I got like 4-5hrs during the night and actually woke up in the morning. That's HUGE for me unmedicated#I'm very tired#emmy ramblings
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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#there's no way i could ever have another pet bc this has destroyed me in unimaginable ways#despite him being old and his health declining the past three or so years#we did everything we could to keep him around and healthy but his little body just couldn't do it anymore#i love him so much i hope he wasn't in pain#i regret not saying goodbye when my mom told me to before he went to the hospital friday but i was in denial#we held out all weekend to see if the treatment would work but he was just so weak my dad gave them the go-ahead to stop it today#idk if they've put him to sleep yet but we're assuming so since my dad is gonna go pick up his collar tomorrow#i cried so much last night because i just had a feeling today would be it#and then i woke up this morning and already had tears in my eyes#this is gonna be. another long grieving process and i'm already so tired from losing my sister last year#when does it fucking end lol like when do i get to the other side#i'm just exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted#he's such a big extension of me like who tf am i without my dog i'm nothing he's all i had
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hold on we may have just won the insomnia lottery
#chonny went to sleep w the body and then woke up and is like Im still tired :) goodnight and im just like ??!!!!!!#EVEN AFTER YHE WHOLE 'ACCODENTALLY TAKE A NAP BEFORE 12 AND WAKE UP AN HOUR LATER FULLY AWAKE' DEAL????#something's wrong with this guy i need to study him in a lab. this is amazing. maybe our ass will get some sleep NORMALLY FOR ONCE#pk;m Electrochemistry🔴#bro why are you so sleepy. all he's DONE TODAY Is sleep. im amazed#HE MADE US SLEEP IN TIL 4#WHAT FUCK!!!
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#i went to sleep early af yesterday i cannot stress enough how much that post wasn't a joke#and i woke up so late today#AND IM STILL TIRED#WHAT IS UP WITH ME. IT'S BEEN ALMOST 16 HOURS OF SLEEP.
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Alright i could really, really, REALLY use that secret boyfriend rn because we had ⚡️flash floods⚡️last night so guess who was hoiking buckets of water out of the fishpond at 7 this morning????
ME YAY!!!
#i was actually awake at 3 this morning because it was raining so heavily that it woke me up#i went outside to check everything and tried to bucket some water out but i was so tired snd overwhelmed and about to cry#and then i couldnt get back to sleep anyways until like 5/6#but i’m not going into work today because i potentially cant get out of the area so#thats fun too#ThatKindaVibe
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I am never sleeping over at my parents house ever again goddammit
#note to self#the bed that ‘the dog totally doesn’t sleep on’ had hair all over#I had to chase multiple spiders off of it#I woke up about 2 hours ago with my sinuses briefly clear and the entire room smells like cat pee#to the point where I’m scared I smell like it too#the AC went out but nobody warned me before I got here#the answer to that was fans and leaving the windows open#which was nice and quiet after midnight. but at 3:45? So Many Birds#I love birds and I’m glad they’re able to chat#but they are so loud here and I am so sleepy#and I can’t close the window cuz I need airflow cuz it’s so warm#the tv is loud as hell and I can hear it all the way in my room over the sound of birds#I went and turned it down once dad started snoring but when mom got up she turned it back up to watch a movie#AND because they have to deal with the AC repair guy today idk who’s driving me home/when#I love the animals and if I had a vehicle I’d love to adventure around town#but again: cat pee smell. I think I would die if i ran into someone I knew while smelling like cat pee#a lot of this stuff isn’t my parents fault but I’m a petty bitch and I’m very tired
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also no hunger games for me :( i wont watch it in theaters
#like i went to sleep telling my dad we're gonna watch it tmrw book tickets#and he was like u get up and we'll see what happens no need to book tickets and he was so tired of me#cuz i kept asking like this whole week cuz i knew then only they'll take me#and like so today i get up and my mom is like we have to go to this family dinner today so cant watch any time later than 12#and there was a show of 12:50 pm in 4dx i started getting ready right i woke up at 12:10 mind u#and my father comes yelling that u cant take food or drinks there we cant go#and sayign if u woke up at 10 we might have went and like dude...u didnt even tell me THE TIMINGS OF WHEN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO#HOW TF WAS I SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP#and then tmrw also we cant go and then the next weekend i have to study and then the next weekends my exams so
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well luckily i didnt need my post breakfast nap today but i also slept until 10:15
#i woke up before that but simply went back to sleep#trying to get work done today 🫡 god im so tired
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If I had a nickel for every time Mihoyo set up something excellently entirely through implications and visual story telling, only to insert some bullshit narration/monologue that completely contradicts everything we’ve seen so far and ruin the entire premise- I actually don’t know how many I’d have. Hopefully I’d be able to buy enough vodka to forget those plot lines ever happened though
Seriously though, up until HoD, every Herrscher that had gone violent had done so as the direct result of human cruelty. Siren was a victim of torture, Anna had been isolated to the point she didn’t have the will to resist the Honkai… heck, didn’t PE HoC directly say that it would have just lay dormant if they hadn’t tortured and killed Rin??? Didn’t they make a point to say that Senti was only born because three of the strongest forces against the Honkai decided to turn on each other (heck, wasn’t she also ultimately stopped with love and compassion)? I thought that was supposed to be the significance of the previous era and why they failed- that they were cruel and that they hurt each other, only making their overall situation worse. But no, people just weren’t evolved enough I guess
You know another benefit to making the Honkai just a product of humanity, Mihoyo? Using love and friendship to save the world instead of project stigma would have actually made in-universe sense. As things stand now, our protagonists just seem like a couple of idiots trying to stop what seems like a perfectly reasonable plan just because they personally don’t like it. Why on earth would Kevin, a man who’s watched all his friends and his world die, have any reason to ignore the plans of his world’s leading scientists (who’s work has actually yielded results) for some hair-brained idea that no longer makes sense with the lore and risk the destruction of yet another world??? If they had just stuck with the original premise though, what the protagonists are trying to do would have actually had a precedent within the lore
I don’t know how to conclude this. Idk man, I’m just sick of Mihoyo fucking things up by making them more complicated than they have to be. Anyways, pardon all my ranting today. Here’s a picture of my cat as compensation
#honkai impact#Honkai rambling#the vodka thing was a joke (I don’t actually drink at all)#the best thing I’ve gotten out of Honkai is that I went back and rewrote the plot of my own work to make it less complicated#making it my personal mission to convince Honkai tumblr that remaining flames is actually the worst arc in all of honkai#every major writing problem we currently see in Honkai either started or was amblified in that arc#if this is the hill I die on then so be it#Honkai- you fucked up your own premise and you fucked up my boy Kevin#I am tired#I actually got enough sleep for once too#I woke up today and chose violence again Honkai in particular
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trying not to believe they turnt the Internet off before they left for work. 😒
#Absolutely something my dad's wife would demand.#Keep in mind this is the same woman who took away my laptop in highschool after I missed one work assignment.#Whatever. I am using 4G.#I noticed it was off before they left and then I woke up to see I had a text from my dad telling me the Internet is off at 6 am.#Y'all I could literally just use my phone (as I am now) or play the sims 2 all day or read or#Like. It's not the Internet that kept me from going to work#Or kept me awake for to long that made me ''tired'' (I even got the correct amount of sleep)#My mental health is just shit.#And yes I already planned on going to work today.#So it's not like I was going to stay home to begin with?#When I call out it is for a day.#And yeah. I already called out earlier this month after Covid#But that's cause I was still feeling the effects of Covid.#Do cameras need a wifi connection?#If so. Maybe one of them went to check the cameras#And they actually didn't turn the wi-fi off at all.#Loon.txt
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Me, yesterday, 5:30 PM: wow I’m honestly doing so great at my adult tasks; I’ve gotten some homework done, I went grocery shopping, my laundry is almost dry. I spent so many spoons and I barely feel tired! Maybe I’m finally fully recovering from burnout!
Me, yesterday, 6:00 PM: oh.
#turns out that I was not drawing from an unlimited spoon supply when I spent spoons so fast#and instead was overdrawing#because at 5:59 I thought ‘oh you know I’m a bit tired I should lay down’#and then spent almost six hours in Nap Hell as I laid down too tired to get up and take my sleep meds#but also not really sleeping consistently. like dozing except I didn’t want to.#woke up ~11:50 and apparently sent some very misspelled messages to my friends#took sleep meds. and then passed out until morning.#so… I’ve learned something here. such as ‘even if you feel fine. you know you’re spending too many spoons. slow down.’#I’m gonna try to go to bed early tonight too#and just. rest. bc I know Thursday is going to be a lot for me bc of my ASL class.#just gotta get these labs done first#the exhaustion is partially also my fault bc instead of going to bed after getting home from the airport#I did in fact go straight to DND and played until midnight because DND is Monday nights now.#but in my defense. I had napped on the plane. so I didn’t feel v tired.#but yeah I shouldn’t have done that bc that meant I was operating on a Significant Sleep Deficit yesterday and still had a lot of tasks#that absolutely could not wait. I needed food bc I didn’t have any in the house and needed laundry bc all my wearable clothes were dirty.#and I’d been in class since 9:30AM and went straight to the store from my last class and then straight to laundry after putting away grifos#and STILL FORGOT TO GET GAS#it’s fine I’ll get some today after chemistry or smth on the way home
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thinking about how DD probably had to teach Psychic to read when he first broke the guy out of hell and Psi being a fast learner and eventually clearing 100k word novels in a day and DD actually being super impressed by his new, dedicated student since he himself never had much of a passion for reading but Psychic just has such a drive to LEARN new things, everything about the world DD gave him and he finds it quite endearing and Psychic is becoming really knowledgeable really fast and it’s all mostly his own efforts and DD has a personal library that he doesn’t really use but he starts letting Psychic borrow books and Psychic ends up spending a lot of time there and kind of runs the place now and he’s read every book DD has and DD now knows what to get Psi for special occasions and stuff and
#augshsydhsjdhn THEMMMM#my brain loves mentor!dd and student!psychic what can I say. not to mention psychic being a bookworm I LOVEVEHSHSH that#river this is canon right#ramble thing#fnf psychic#fnf daddy dearest#the dearests#fnf mind games#friday night funkin#sorry again for no chem chronicles update. I just got back from my event and I’m SOO tired 😴 it’s only 8:41pm as I type this#but I just wanna sleep dude I went to sleep at 1 last night and I woke up today at 6 to get ready for the event#it was all day. I had to stand onstage for 4-5 hours altogether my feet have been killing me. TWO conductions.#and my HM hijacked them both 😒 been resenting her a bit now and for good reason#anyway I’m done rambling I will do my best to finish chem chronicles soon. only like 1-2 more additions then we’re done :)#tea for thought
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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